so, you may have noticed that my last entry was a bit… glum. and not really an entry at all, just a song that i listen to when shit hits the fan in my relationship. i don’t even really know what to say though. we broke up… i guess. i mean it feels like a break-up although technically it’s a break, a term that i hate because it’s one stop away from singleville (it’s the same reason i hate when people say that they’re bi-sexual; dude, you’re gay, accept it and move on!). anyway, so i’m in this relationship limbo at the moment and i am feeling… like i’m sick of talking about feelings. i’m sick of talking or even thinking about how i feel and what i want and what he wants and all this fucking shit you have to wade through when your boyfriend and you are “taking a break.”
i just don’t get it. why am i attracted to guys i can’t have? for example, my first boyfriend (aka the douchebag) who was emotionally retarded and didn’t care about whether i was happy at all, just as long as i was doing exactly what he wanted and nothing else. then, six years later, while still fragile after very not amicable break-up with the douchbag, i meet a guy at a bar (aka mexican douchebag) who seems really nice and generous and fun, but turns out to be some nortena-criminal-baby daddy who still sees his psycho ex-girlfriend slash baby mama who calls you on your cell when you’re trying to go pick up your nephews from school to confront you about what you’re doing with her man and, oh, did you really think he left me, you poor stupid white girl? a guy who convinces you while you’re blinded by “love” to sign for a motorcycle for him which he swears he’ll pay for but doesn’t (natch) and your poor mother ends up paying for it because you were too stupid to know better than to trust a guy you met in a bar. then you leave that mess and fly to paris to live for a couple months, at which time you immediately meet your dream guy and he is totally perfect in every way (gorgeous, sweet, friendly, generous, french, nice to mother, attentive, etc.) except for the fact he lives 9,000 miles away in a freakin foreign country and even though you daydream that on the day you’re to fly home he’s going to tell you that he can’t stand to see you go because he’s in love with you so he moves to america to be with you, that doesn’t happen and instead of said dream scenario you fly home heartbroken and alone. then like 10 minutes after you land back in america, you run into current love of life who has had a crush on you for months and thinks you’re so cool for having just spent all that time in france and you end up falling for him and abandoning your french movie love story for this guy who four years later tells you he isn’t sure he sees this going any further, that he’s not sure he wants to get more serious, and that he doesn’t know if he ever wants to get married let alone in the next couple of years.
so, here you are “on a break” waiting to see if the boyfriend will remain the boyfriend or if he will join the ranks of ex-boyfriends. i get to sit and wonder if he will have a change of heart, decide he can’t live without me and does want to get married someday afterall. or not. yea me. if my track record says anything, i’m pretty sure i know how this is going to end because i’m sorry, but i can’t make that compromise: i want to get married. i do. i want that security and closeness and devotion that comes with a marriage. i don’t want to be goldie hawn and kurt russell or susan sarandon and the tall dude from shawshank redemption whose name i can’t think of. i want to know that i have someone for my whole life and for them to know that they have me; i want the promise of a life together without having to worry that he’ll leave me for some blonde cliche because “it’s not like we’re married!” and i don’t think i should have to give that up. but it’s hard because when i’m looking into his eyes i think that i’d give up anything to have him in my life, that i’d make any sacrifice to make him happy.
but then i realize that i should wait until someone feels that way about me.
i just don’t know how many more times my heart can break before it can’t be put back together.
handle with care
dans la 408 